This has been a post that I have wanted to write for a while now. It may sound really abrupt, hard on myself, actually it’s downright bullying (me on me).
I’m a loser.
In my core I’m a very competitive person. I want to win. I want to be the best. I want to come out on top. I take pride and value on working hard and winning. I thrive from it.
But to tell you the truth, I very rarely win. I did well in school and university, but was by no means the best and never got the top grades. I moved into a job where I strived a lot more than I should have just to feel the sense of doing more and being more… but it never led to more. I created this blog and I fell into an even bigger hole of feeling like I was constantly losing.
Then I started CrossFit.
I realised that I was never going to win at this sport. I was never going to come first in the class, I was never going to lift the heaviest or pull a skilled move out of the bag that others couldn’t. I can’t ever win at this one – my body just isn’t able. But I love the sport. Something had to change. I needed to quit or really look at how I view myself in terms of winning, losing and competing. Otherwise I was never going to be happy. And I ain’t no quitter.
So what has happened in the past four years since I placed that ultimatum upon myself? I’m still doing the sport, but I am a lot happier in how I view myself – both inside and outside of the gym. I worked out ways on how to change my mind set around feeling like a loser if I didn’t win. And today I want to share them all with you. No one should feel this way.
Defining what a winner is
This was the biggest question for me – what is the definition of a winner? Coming first/ on top every time? Really?
Winning is so much more than getting that gold star. Winning means learning lessons. Winning means trying something new. Winning means doing what you can when you can. Winning sometimes means having a shower and getting dressed when you feel like all you want to do is curl back into bed and hide from the world. We win every day, we just don’t always have to compete against others to do so.
Defining what a loser is.
Someone who didn’t win right? But as discussed above, you probably already have won at being you today. So where is the loss? I understand, maybe you went for a job and didn’t get it. You feel like a massive loser. But often we feel the loss for something we never had to begin with. Mourning for that is one thing. Tying your personal worth into the loss however is not. You may have lost but you are not a loser. They are two different things.
My best has to be enough.
As I mentioned above, winning is doing what you can and doing your best. I give my all to everything in life, I can’t help but do otherwise. My relationships, my writing, CrossFit… So how can I ask anymore of myself? Your best (and that can vary dependant on days and circumstance) is all you can and should ask of yourself. Sometimes that may mean you come out on top but when you don’t it simply means that another persons best was enough for the prize that day. Don’t ask any more of yourself when you know you can’t give it.
Winning doesn’t make me a good person.
Getting the role, winning the trophy, getting an A plus… these things are great. But it doesn’t make you a good person. Yes you may get the glory, but people don’t want to be around you because you win, they are around you because you are a good person. A good person is kind, generous, friendly, welcoming. You don’t define a good person as a winner. They win in life because they are good.
Remembering what your priorities in life are.
One massive question I asked myself at the beginning was, why do you do CrossFit Jen? The answer, for my health. Health is my priority. Four years ago I was weak, I had lost all muscle on my body, I was skin and bone. I wanted to be healthy again. I wanted to feel strong. I wanted to feel human again. That was my why. Did I do that? YES 100%. Am I still doing that? YES 100%
I’ll never see my name at the top of the leader board at my box. But I truly believe that I am finally at the top of my own leader board now. So call me a winner, call me a loser, who cares. I’m doing a great job at being me right now and that’s all that matters.
Do you ever feel like you are a loser?
Do you place a lot of merit on winning?
Have you ever had to place an ultimatum on yourself?